THERE IS A TIME TO LOVE AND A TIME TO LET GO
The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward. – Steve Marboli.
Letting go of the person you love is one of the most difficult things you ever have to do. You’ve given yourself totally to one person whom, you believed, you would be with forever. You trusted that person and shared secrets with them you never shared before. You invested heavily in the relationships and suddenly it’s over. Gone. You’re left devastated and can’t believe what happened.
Losing the person you love is not the only hit. In the time you’ve been together you shared a social life – you made friends together. You shared families and once the relationship is over you lose these extras as well. Some friends side with you others side with your ex. So there’s a lot of loss involved and loss is painful.
You may be like Jane who had a relationship with Bill. In all honesty the relationship wasn’t great, Bill did a lot of stuff that Jane wasn’t happy about. He liked to spend a lot of time in the pub with his friends while she liked to do other things and was just as happy to watch a film at home and share a bottle of wine.
Jane liked to share her feelings with Bill and was keen for them to have a close emotional relationship where they could share their most private feelings. But Bill never talked about his feelings and said he didn’t have any to share! And he was serious about that.
But when Bill texted Jane telling her it was over she was inconsolable. Although she knew their relationship hadn’t been perfect Jane loved Bill and was prepared to work things out. She couldn’t believe Bill didn’t feel the same.
How many of us have felt like Jane did?
Let down, rejected,unloved and utterly worthless.
No matter who we are – we all know what that feels like.
But no matter how bad it feels, or how lonely it feels, or how totally shabby we feel, there comes a time where we have to face the truth about the situation and do our best to let it go in order to move on with our lives.
Five Tips to Help You Let Go
When something devastating happens like losing someone you love – it’s tempting to write it off as a ‘bad’ experience and forget it. It’s tempting to tell your friends,
“Never again, I’ll never love anybody again”.
Truly, that would be a mistake as there is plenty to be gained by spending a little time working through your feelings. Here are five tips to help you do just that:It’s important to grieve your loss and mourn for the loss of your loved one and the dreams you had for your future. Remember the words of Bruno Mars’The Lazy Song’ –
Here’s the first of your tips:
- You need to journal your feelings to the point where you can feel released from them. By this I mean to write them out on paper is a cathartic release and is a liberating experience. Once you are clear of anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy and all the usual suspects of unhappiness you are finally able to see clearly and be objective about your situation. This makes it a great place to start.
- As mentioned above you need to grieve the loss of your relationship along with all the dreams you had. Unless you set aside time for this you’re not going to be able to move on. Cry buckets if you need to but grieve in any way which feels natural for you to do.
- Once your grieving is over you then need to remove all visible reminders of the relationship. It’s perfectly okay to save mementos that mean something to you. Be sparing though and don’t ‘hang on’ to things for the sake of prolonging the inevitable. Be as ruthless as you are able in getting rid of reminders.
- Once physical reminders are gone you move into your mind and heart. Make a commitment to stop thinking of this person and what you shared and what they said or didn’t say. When you find your mind straying pull it back into the present. The past is over and done, there is nothing there for you any longer. You need to practice forgetting.
- The final tip is the one of forgiveness. As you work through these steps you’ll most likely come across mistakes you made, or mistakes you think the other person made. You not only have to forgive yourself. You need to be able to forgive the other person. There is no moving on unless this work is done. So work on forgiving yourself and the other person. Neither one of you are perfect and you both did the best you could at the time.
This is an excerpt from a post I found on Tiny Buddha that reads:
We are all one in pain—we act from pain and make mistakes from pain, and we all deserve forgiveness and kindness.
I realize that he only did what he thought was best at that moment. He didn’t make the best choice of action, but neither did I. I reacted in the only way I could then.
When I saw him at work again, for the first time in a long while I didn’t flinch inside. I didn’t feel angry at myself or him anymore.
I saw that he was still that charming individual that I first loved. Even though it was six months ago, and now that our parts in each other’s life are over, I genuinely wished him the best.
Without knowing it, I’d forgiven him and myself.
I guess I’d moved on.
It was written by Hong Rui and is called Lost Love: What It Means to Move On. I think it expresses in a beautiful way how to approach your own forgiveness and being able to forgive the other person.
Five Tips to Help You Move On
After all it’s nice and cosy where you are in your comfort zone. Who’d want to leave that. But the trouble is you face a choice in life always. You have to choose between moving (living) or stagnating (dying). S here are five tips to help you to move on. Because if you’re ready that’s what you’ll want to do.
- Before you can move on in any way shape or form you need to face your fears. When you face fear you’ll find the power it has over you will diminish. It’ll grow weaker. Then you’re able to plan a strategy on how you’re going to deal with your fears. It’s true that knowledge is power so the way to gain power over your fear is to strategize ways of coping with it. For example, if you feel afraid of trusting another person again, design a way you can cope with that fear. Make a plan that helps you trust another in little steps, so building trust in stages. If trust gets broken in small bits you then know that person isn’t to be trusted with anything else.
- Don’t become a ‘victim’. This is a place where you can so easily get bogged down by providing endless reasons why you shouldn’t ever move on again. It’s where you endlessly express to anybody who’ll listen how everything always goes wrong and nothing ever works out for you. It’s where you play the blame game and spend your days looking for ways you can get your own back in revenge. Or ways in which you think you can win. And it’s where everybody else is wrong! Except you. And you’re always right. When looked at in black and white it doesn’t sound attractive does it? So make sure this doesn’t happen to you and take responsibility for what happens in your life.
- Another great tip to help you move on is by learning the art of living in the present. The here and now. After all right this minute is the only time you have. The past is gone and the future hasn’t arrived. All you have is now. Enjoy the here and now. Learn to live in this joy. This doesn’t mean not planning for the future. It just means that when it comes to living – now this minute is all we have.
- Lean on your support system. This is your family and friends. When you’re ready to let others into your life let them help you where you need help. Learn to go out again socially and have fun. Appreciate your family and friends and love them for being there for you when you need them.
- Finally, don’t be defined by your relationships. You are more than so-and-so’s boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. You are a unique individual and are valuable in your own right. You can stand on your own two feet without the need of another person to validate you and give you approval. You have your own gifts and skills you are talented in your own right. If you have trouble identifying some of your strengths – ask your support system to help you. Often others will have a better idea of your strengths than you do. Don’t be afraid to ask.
The final word on moving on should go to Maya Angelou who writes:
“Life likes to be taken by the lapel and told, “I’m with you kid! Let’s go!”
You have no control over what happens to you in life. You’re going to get hurt at some time, it’s inevitable, we all do. The only way to make the situation bearable is to work at Letting Go and Moving On as a way of, not only surviving emotional pain, but get the better of it, by coming out of it, a stronger person than you were before. So far as I know this is the only way there is available to us to make emotional pain work for us in a positive, winning way.
This is the way to wholeness.